TV is My Boyfriend

FLAMES. ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.

2011-11-14T12:23:00.000-08:00

I started this as an email to Matt and Tara, but what the hell - I have spent the last 6 hours watching the Direct TV guy try and get my HD/DVR back so I can maybe start blogging again (hopefully).

So I figured why not share this with the 2 people that still read my blog through my blog
as a show of my love for them.
('sup t and matty)

I just watched this trailer another 2000 times - and from a costume perspective, I actually don't think its futuristic at all. It almost seems dated. The police look like storm troopers.
HOWEVER
I think I am ok with it. Because as much as The Hunger Games is the future, its a sad and post-apocalyptic future that in fact isn't progressive at all. So I think I applaud this almost banal approach to the costumes. One thing, though - I am distracted by Gale's shirt in the opening few scenes. I keep trying to pause it so I can get a better look at the stitching. What distracted me first was that it seemed factory made...like its from GAP or J Crew.

THAT BEING SAID.....

I DIE. AGAIN AND AGAIN. March 23rd needs to get here like now now.
I plan on nerding out about this like you people and
your fucking iphones.
THIS is what waiting in line is allllls about.

ok. I may be old now, BUT

2011-01-31T10:20:00.000-08:00

WHAT IN THE WHAT IS THIS MTV????

ok. now I am the first person to say that Americans need
to get off our moral high horses and all that,
believe me.
So don't think this post is about me being shocked by teenage sex on TV.
However, if MTV were going to go out on this limb
then AT LEAST make it for a good show.
The production value of this is equivalent to what I imagine Canadian
public access must look like.
The acting is ABYSMAL, the costumes were AWFUL
(there was some teen girl wearing a grandma silk scarf tied like an Ascot??? And NOT in any kind of fashion forward way. She looked like a guidance counselor)
and the sets were just BAD.
Get a locations dept, MTV. call my boyfriend.
call ANYONE. jesus.

Beyond that...here is my one sex thing.
You can call me a prude ALL you want
I DON'T NEED TO SEE ANYONE TALKING TO
A POSTER OF AUDREY HEPBURN AND MASTURBATING.
especially not a 14 yr old TV lesbian.
for realsies MTV.

I won't abbreviate it, I will just say it - girl is CUNTY

2011-01-18T05:18:00.000-08:00

So...my secret crush, the guy who writes The Superficial, posted these stories that only further prove that Lea Michelle is Medusa.

http://www.thesuperficial.com/lea-michele-is-kind-of-a-c-word-01-2011

and then the follow up:

http://www.thesuperficial.com/lea-michele-is-sorry-01-2011

AND JUST IN CASED YOU NEED FURTHER PROOF AND/OR MISSED IT:

I am very happy for Chris Colfer, but do what she wants for 2 seconds and focus on Lea Michelle.
I think if you look up asshole in the dictionary you will see the following screen grabs:

asshole.
also see: fake, dying inside, and so jealous she can't function.

Nightmares and Dreamscapes

2011-01-05T15:29:00.001-08:00

So....as much as The Walking Dead is my ultimate life nightmare scenario, it is my ulimate dream TV show. Darbie and Justin and I marathoned it in Kingston the other day and it was basically an anxiety marathon that we could not get enough of.
I watched most of it like this:

My sweatshirt was my only defense against the zombies.
And when I got REALLY afraid, I pulled the strings
until the sweatshirt closed entirely, hid under the covers, and
made Darbie narrate scenes like these:

And then when they ATE the horse, I screamed from under
the covers, even though I saw NOTHING.
just heard the pa-chomp-chomp, pa-chewy-chomp
OF ZOMBIES EATING A FUCKING HORSE.

But it's mesmerizing.
It is beautifully shot, the writing is amazing, the suspense is INSANE
and you can not tear yourself away.

Ever the skeptic, I do have 1000 questions, though.
One of my ETERNAL questions is ALWAYS
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT ZOMBIES CAN DEFEAT OUR
ENTIRE MILITARY???
WE HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS FOR THE LOVE OF
GOD. CAN WE GET REAL PLEASE???
Zombies move REALLY slowly. And although they SWARM, like
brain-eating locusts, I just kinda refuse to believe
that the US military is that easily over-run.
especially in fucking tanks.

So I have chalked it up to fear.
BE-cause there isn't much scarier than this:

oh.
except maybe THIS:

so maybe I should cut the military a break.

Darbie kept teasing me when I revealed a life of recurring Zombie nightmares - but they are fucking SCARY. I am sorry - they ARE. It's fucking ZOMBIES. To add insult to injury, we watched 2 episodes before bed time AND, the bedroom I slept in is where they keep their bird, so Julian their mischevious little hellcat kept sticking his paw under the door and trying to fight his way in...kinda like this:

At least that what it sounded and felt like...
when all it was, was this:

laugh all you want - that cat was after me.

30 Rockin' It

2010-12-31T10:36:00.000-08:00

I am leaving The Rock to go back to Criminal Intent.
These are some photo highlights of my 5 months on
NYC's funniest show.
I will miss you, Silver Cup Studios.
See you on the Flipside.

xoxo

My Newest Obsession

2010-12-30T10:59:00.001-08:00

http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/features/2011/01/quaid-201101

The Quaids.
This article is....in a word?
Fascinating. Redonkulous. Hilarious. Sad.
Everything.

Its fairly long, but read it.
it's madness.

but keep your nose clean, or the Star Whackers may come after you, too.

Even better, after you read the article, watch this interview
and read the comments below it. Apparently the Quaids are NOT alone...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9Bxq3JMwwc

this is one of my favs:

@annboylyn well put. I'm a targeted individual too.They have ways of making people do things. Mind control, micro weapons, bribery, blackmail, discrediting, setting up, you name it. Stinking mafia needs to be edited.

I LOVE THE FUCKING INTERNET.

Can we start a Becky fan page?

2010-12-30T10:31:00.000-08:00

I am at least starting a Becky fan section of the blog.

Beeecause - she and Jane Lynch are my fav TV duo in a LONG time.

"Someone gave you really hideous gloves, Coach..."
Lauren Potter - I heart you.

May the force be with you, Mr Schue

2010-12-30T10:11:00.000-08:00

you guys know I love this kind of shit:

Harrison Ford called, he maaaaay want his outfit back.

Oooooh - just WAIT til Bourdain catches you

2010-12-30T06:27:00.000-08:00

So....refresh my memory...Top Chef is about cooking, right?

I can't take all the credit for putting 2 and 2 together -

that goes to Blais...but...

When was the last time Jaime actually served any food?

Two weeks ago she cut herself and left Jenn to take all the heat,

this week she literally HID under a table so she didn't have to

serve her chickpeas.

wtf????

As soon as Bourdain realizes whats going down, she

better hide under that chickpea pot.

Because he is that teacher that singles you out and makes

you do the dance routine on your own in front of the whole class

and something tells me her pirouettes are not up to snuff.

Don't care HOW

2010-12-29T06:37:00.001-08:00

This ipad shit is as contageous as whatever disease people catch in those Zombie movies. I can already feel myself full of anxiety and anguish over WHEN mine will arrive.
I want it. now. NOW.
My sister and my boyfriend have been taken by the disease. My father, my aunt, EVERYONE.
And now its my turn.

I got a delivery confirmation this morning that the CASE has been shipped. Um. Thanks, Apple.
I suppose I can make a cardboard ipad and carry it in the case until the damn thing arrives.

disappointed? probs.

2010-12-28T15:08:00.000-08:00

ok. I have been gone since September, which is total bs. clearly I know. Tara and Matt are ready to kill me, my sister is ready to remove me from the blogroll (which clearly I deserve) and I haven't even been watching that much TV. I also suspect that I didn't get the job I interviewed for at Gossip Girl due to such classic posts as "American Girl Waldorf"...that one never gets old.
(is it a conflict of interest to write a TV blog when you work in TV??? maybes.)

but I am doing this quick post to say that I am back. I swear. By Thursday AM, when I am caught up on my Top Chef, prepare for a few love poems to Spike, a revival of my devotion to Whooty WHOOOO, a little bit of Gleeking out, and an open forum on flashmobs. I would like to join one.
something tells me Jason won't mind if I cheat on him with choreography.

I am sorry I have totally failed you.
I will strive to do better...but I have been busier than a one-armed
paper hanger.

xoxo
[Rejected From] Gossip Girl ;)

Tricky Tricky

2010-09-06T18:46:00.000-07:00

So Shannon, Jay, and I got sucked into like 15 hours of switching back and forth between Hoarders and Bourdain and I started to notice something...on EVERY episode of Hoarders there are 1-3 Amazon.com boxes somewhere in the clutter or on the junk truck.

Is this how A&E integrated product placement into a show that no one in their right minds would want to place a product in?

I think A&E should be given an award for this kind of serious subliminal ingenuity...

Art Imitating Art

2010-09-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

So last week's Mad Men, Don steals a tag line from that miniature copywriter and then sells it to a client then has to hire the kid.

So...I think this is what the kids call meta, right? or it could just be plain irony (cause I don't entirely understand 'meta' its a term my sister and my ex boyfriend used to throw around) BUT...

a year or so ago, Eric McCormack was on a short lived show called 'Trust Me' about NY ad agencies NOW.... on that show either he or Ed interviewed some douchey Art Director told him to fuck off, and then in a meeting inadvertently regurgatated an idea they saw in his book the had to hire him because they stole it. (I think they got him laid THEN hired him, but that's a minor detail)

Was that a bone that Matt Weiner threw to nerds like me who realize this shit, or is Matt Weiner himself becoming Don Draper and the pressure of always being the best is forcing him to "borrow" from the allegedly less talented.

oh shit.

2010-08-08T09:43:00.000-07:00

Sierra from Scream Queens
got knocked on her "look"...
and although she is one of the worst on the show,
there is a roll out there that is BEYOND perfect for her:

Playing The Stanger in a BioPic.

You got Stanged: The Making of the Millionaire Matchmaker

You hear me, Bravo?
Cause we would alllll watch that shit.

OOOOOH VH1, I loooove you

2010-08-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

Scream Queens is back.

this is the best/worst kind of reality TV...
Clearly the first one didn't garner giving Scream Queens 2 more money -
So it's like only one step up from Drag Race in production value.

Those of you who are out there making fun of ME, please click below and
make fun of these chicks instead:

http://www.vh1.com/video/misc/548387/episode-2-sneak-peek.jhtml#id=1645083

I mean...clearly only ONE of them has seen The Craft.
The rest of them? WHAT THE FUCK???
I mean...the chick with the tutu on her head?

wow. this is going to make Monday nights
so very special.

I have been trying to verbalize my Zoe reaction

2010-08-08T08:26:00.001-07:00

please be patient.
There is so much for me to process.

I refuse to believe Tay 'stole' from Rachel. REFUSE.
I am so Team Tay.
Jason feels he needs more information to choose sides.
I told him, whatever side I am on IS his side.

but so far the best part of this season is that Jason totally got into it.
Duh.

I miss you Taylor Jacobsen.

my mind is an insane place

2010-08-08T08:04:00.000-07:00

last night Jason and I went to PARTY. All caps because I have never been to anything like this.
It was on an old landing strip that a family owns. There was a stage, a karaoke boot, a bouncehouse, a huge tent full of food, horseshoes, bonfires (PLURAL), campers, people sleeping out in tents, fucking madness. We had a blast. Evenings like that (and their refreshments) prompt me to send Darbie texts like this:

"If I were sober right now, I would totally blog about Just the 10 of Us.'

Therefore,
I have spent my hangover watching performances by
The Lubbock Babes,
YouTube's of 'Just the 10 of Us: Whre are they now?'
(the answer is: nowhere notable)
and because of all of this, I said to Jay :
I SWEAR ON MY GRAVE that Constance Lubbock
is Violet Beauregard.
I SWEAR.
um. she is not.

But I CHALLENGE you to think I am crazy.
Watch this and listen to her voice!!!
PLUS she looks JUST like her.

Connie:

Violet:

although this may just be my hangover speaking -
You see it, right?????

(and ps, watching old eps I STILL want to be Wendy Lubbock)

We want our baby to look like this

2010-08-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

Down in Louisiana, they have a Cajun Christmas

2010-08-03T07:56:00.000-07:00

So the countdown is ON.
By this time next week, I will be down in Baton Rouge
sweatin my balls off AGAIN.
I love to suffer for my craft.

ALSO
ALLLLSO

So ANYONE who grew up with me knows
that I epicly DIE for Toy Soldiers.
I mean....I wathed it for inspiration for the film I just designed.
And as if the gods YEARNED to line up in my favor,
the woman responsible for designing Toy Soldiers
will be my boss in less than 6 days.
I FUCKING DIE.

teach me, betsy cox.
you were my idol before I KNEW you were my idol.
this is kismet.

What nerds notice

2010-08-03T07:41:00.000-07:00

this dude, the DJ from Zoolander:

shows up as the DJ in Tropic Thunder for 3 seconds.
and yours truly, aka the Queen of Losertown USA,
noticed him yesterday while Angry Birding
and doing a whole lot of nothing.
didn't get off the couch to take the photo
because it was STRAIGHT UP too much effort.
just take my word for it.
(it is important to note that I have not confirmed this in any way shape or form.
this is just, like, my opinion man.)

Laaaazy Days

2010-08-03T07:19:00.000-07:00

Fresh off 3 weeks of overnight shoots, I am still feelin a little fucked up and funky.

It feels weird to not be in the Bronx, sweating my balls off, til the wee hours of the morning, with these handsome gentleman:

The last two days have been taken up with a TON of Angry Birds (I am an ADDICT)

***NOTE: Ultimate Addiction is defined as RESTORING YOUR IPOD BECAUSE THE OS IS TOO OLD TO INSTALL ANGRY BIRDS. So you sacrifice your ENTIRE music collection just to kill some green ham with a pooping bird. True Story.

(by the way, I did NOT put the 'Ultimate Addiction' caption on this, it was like that on apple.com...Apple KNOWS they have created a monster in the art of time suckage)

So all I do is angry birds, laundry, chain smoke.
ABLCS is the NEW GTL.

To Zoe or not to Zoe

2010-07-27T09:48:00.001-07:00

Guys.

WHAT is the Zoe WITHOUT my Tay Tay?

I am seriously torn.

help.

I only have, like, 5 days to decide and

I am starting to panic.

Well if even my MOTHER has a Facebook page...

2010-07-20T06:16:00.000-07:00

Naturally, Jesus Christ does as well.

(It does not list his occupation as 'Carpenter', I already checked...)

What I like even better is that these are the options Facebook gave me together:
To Like Jesus and/or to Like Kathy Griffin.

Before I make the choice,
let's check out their profiles.

Jesus does have more friends...
although his wall posts are a bit intense.
But I have 14 friends in common with Kathy,
and none with Him....
hmmmm.
This is a tough one.

Who is less likely to flood my Newsfeed with 'Farmville' updates?

Damn Straight I don't even need a map....

2010-07-19T05:44:00.000-07:00

I remember this day soooo well. I hadn't eaten, had JUST bought lunch for me, my co PA and my Teamster, was RUSHING back to the van to eat and these a-holes stopped me.

The face I am making is when I saw a camera-man sitting on the steps of St Patricks and thought 'They better not be recording'

ugh. f-u Dateline.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/38283379#38287123

Um...I shed an actual tear.

2010-07-09T14:05:00.000-07:00

ummmm....I cried watching this this morning.
i cried.
from the kardashians.
but NOT from how sad they make me for humanity.
because I actually felt bad for them...
about their dad.
and the home videos of their father and them as kids
(and Kris's AWESOME glasses that Kim balks at)
made me so so sad.

And then I snapped out of it when Khloe gets arrested
and Kris picks up her cell and speed dials
Robert Shapiro.
The OJ lawyer club...very classy.
I wonder if they have poker nights and Superbowls
at Johnny Cochrane's....

They should hire Dr Mazeltov to round out the staff

2010-07-09T13:53:00.000-07:00

1 - I love that I left my house at 10:30, and when I got back the House marathon was going strong.

I have such a love/hate with this show.

I love medical dramas, so +1
I love Omar Epps, BIG +1
Yes, at times I do indeed want to bone Hugh Laurie, ++++1
The episode where he goes to rehab was totally amazing TV +++++++1

We live in an EXTREMELLY litigious society - HOW COME NO ONE EVER SUES HOUSE??? -50

I don't like Lisa Edelstein, alll the way back to The West Wing, even further back to Felicity. -50

And I guess my thing is - is this a specialty hospital for medical miracles and unsolvable cases?
The thing with ER and Grey's is that a lot of times there are cases that are run of the mill, but the people storyline is where they get their action. I need the knowledge of someone who has been watching House longer - is that their jam? Like is this hospital specific for hard to solve cases?
Because are there REALLY this many medical anomalies EVERY day? It's nuts.

All in all, I enjoy House as good marathon TV viewing and it has been filling my time between fittings today.
But sometimes, I want to kick it. And I frequently roll my eyes at it.

last not was a lot of reality

2010-06-29T06:25:00.001-07:00

1 - watched Huge. Thought it would be fun. it was not. On the one hand as a kid, mom and dad totes should have sent me to fat camp. On the other hand - even fat camp has a painful caste system. (plus, life without my Merriwood girls would have not been life at all)

2 - It is a show full of Poor Man's somebodies:

poor man's chace crawford:

poor man's jillian michaels:

poor man's mercedes:

However, on the upside we saw the most

AMAZING FUCKING TRAILER FOR HARRY POTTER.

I.DIE.

this should have been awesome like

True Life: I go to fat camp

where you are rooting for the kids and you just want

Morgan to shut up.

but it made me sad and pissed at myself for always being a

quitter when I was a kid.

way to go Nikki Blonsky.

Dr Mazeltov

2010-06-28T14:22:00.000-07:00

So, yes, I sit around and watch my own show whenever possible.

Anywho, this is my question/shout out to the production designers:

Dr Joel Silverstern, clearly Jewish from his name...

so was it really necessary to put a menorah in his office?

this episode takes place in the summer.

there is a swimming pool scene for the love of god.

so what's with the holiday decor?

Dreadlock Soup, Madam?

2010-06-28T07:03:00.001-07:00

So this picture doesn't reeeeeaaaally show the severity of these babies.

but. um. this is just unsanitary:

and although I am pretty sure chefs in top restaurants

don't even WEAR hairnets. I can say with some certainty

that one does not exist to fit these tentacles.

I am kinda grossed out.

best cameo ever

2010-06-27T20:19:00.001-07:00

thanks, entourage.

That's ok, I'll just go work on my backhand

2010-06-27T19:29:00.000-07:00

So back to me hating True Blood.

Here it is. Deal with it. I am going to say the hard things. The things that get you ostracized at cocktails parties

(like Jason and I even go out)...

I can't stand Sookie. Suki? Sucky? Whatever. Hate her. Anna Paquin's bad Southern accent makes me want to barf.

I hate Sucky like I hate Little Orphan Annie.

I hate self-righteous characters. I hate when everyone on a show is all about ONE person. All the time. Sucky this, Sucky that, don't hurt Sucky. Sucky I want to make you mine. This is Sucky you're talking about.

I don't care that she reads minds. what makes her so amazing?

And the fact that she can't understand why everyone in the world doesn't want

to drop everything THEY are dealing with because Bill is missing.

It's the Sucky show all the time.

And I can't deal.

What does this have to do with Little Orphan Annie? Everything.

What does she do at that house the 48hrs that she's there that makes everyone CRAZY about her? Why is Miss Hannigan obsessed with her?

She is such a manipulative little brat. "That's ok. I'll just go work on my backhand."

YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A BACKHAND WAS TIL THEY PICKED YOU UP AND
DE-LOUSED YOU FOR ONE WEEKEND.

AND WHAT DOES DADDY WARBUCKS SAY???

"Punjab, buy out the 8 o'clock show.

Let's ALL go to the movies."

what the fuck.

maybe I just want that kind of power.

The Next Level of Next Level

2010-06-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

So, I stand alone on hating True Blood. And I am ok with it. I ran the whole thing down with Ninny tonight, and am about to write a separate post about why. (It has to do with Little Orphan Annie...wait. The connection will make some sense, I swear.)

But True Blood just got real on me.

Like REAL.

Steven Moyer just twisted some chick's head backwards and then fucked her.

Twisted her head around. and then fucked her.

TWISTED HER HEAD.

FUCKED. HER.

Nerd Alert

2010-06-27T11:17:00.000-07:00

So I have a question...

What's the deal with Hermione Granger's parents? If she spends EVERY holiday at the Weasley's - including summers - lets be real, after like book 3 she stopped going home pretty much entirely, I mean.....don't they want to see their daughter? NO ONE at Hogwarts owls them when she drops out in Deathly Hallows to go chase Horcruxes???

don't you think, especially with Arthur Weasley's muggle obsessions that like at least ONCE the Weasley's would have arranged to have the Granger's over for tea?

wow.

I need to leave this house more.

As I like to say....'Don' call it comeback...'

2010-05-20T20:08:00.000-07:00

Welcome Back, Grey's Anantomy.

As usual, you pushed the envelope of

what is ok to show on TV, do to your fans,

and do to your characters.

Bravo.

and, on a side note...

How sad that Graham Chase did not

age well.

He was the world's hottest dad.

I ACTUALLY SHREIKED

2010-05-20T18:51:00.001-07:00

I SCREAMED FOR MIRANDA

SCREAMED FOR HER.

I CAN'T HANDLE THIS.

I AM SHAKING

2010-05-20T18:49:00.001-07:00

HOLY FUCK GREYS

HOLY FUCK

HOLY FUCK

I AM SHAKING

Because when you live with your parents...

2010-05-19T05:54:00.000-07:00

You watch what they watch.

I am ashamed to say that last night, not only did Jason and I watch NCIS: LA with my parents but I enjoyed it.

I actually, like, got into it.

It had all of the things I love:

A middle-aged black man with sass
Impossible and unrealistic computer graphics
Scruffy broody dudes
Improbable situations
and
Villains with terrible aim.

I LOVE when "professional hit men"
and characters of the "organized crime" persuasion
CANNOT AIM FOR SHIT.
I love TV.

Please direct your attention TO MY FEET

2010-05-18T16:11:00.000-07:00

waaaay back in January,
I posted my birthday wishes
So in instead of waiting for
the Universe to fill said wishes.
I filled one myself.

BEHOLD BITCHES:

Fluevog Re-Issues.
And they are all mine.
And I was told by the store clerks
THAT LADY MISS KIER HERSELF
HAS A PAIR.
They made a special delivery to her before the
shipments were even ready for the world.

I. DIE.

JACKSON WHITES???? Stop!

2010-05-17T18:38:00.001-07:00

SHIT DICK WOLF - HOOOWWW

CAN YOU CANCEL LAW AND ORDER???

THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT THE JACKSON WHITES!!!

I mean....whomever wrote this script, and designed this set

HAD to be from Northern New Jersey.

they just HAD to be.

I just explained to Jason alllls about the Jackson Whites...

now lets get in a Jeep and drive up to the Ramapo

Mountains and get shot at.

Show me the way to go home.

This is NOT ok

2010-05-14T12:30:00.000-07:00

Those of you who are my Facebook friend know that I have
taken to writing small status "notes" to Dick Wolf.

Well here's one for the public interwebs:

Dear Dick Wolf,
You are a douche.

Has the show been as good since the passing of Orbach? No.
Is it a NYC institution? YES.
Am I PISSED that my boyfriend is now out of a job in the fall? DUH.
Are we as New Yorkers and members of the L&O franchise
PISSED AS ALL HELL TO BE REPLACED BY
LAW & ORDER: LA???

YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS WE ARE.

THIS IS A NEW YORK CITY SHOW.
GET YOUR OWN FUCKING INSTITUTION.
DR. 90210, THE HILLS, CELEBRITY REHAB.
GET OFF OUR BREADTRUCK.

regards,
T-Bonz

This will make all of your days, it made mine

2010-04-30T09:54:00.000-07:00

It is also the reason British TV is better than ours, because Brits are cheeky.

To use their own vernacular.

Hot Topics: Carl's gold coffin | Cigarette packaging | What's hot right now

02.48 am, Saturday May 01 2010

Man tries to pay bill with spider drawing

Friday, November 14, 2008

By ninemsn staff

Also on

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Qld teachers must supervise NAPLAN: IRC

Below is the complete email conversation that Adelaide man David Thorne claims he had with a utility company chasing payment of an overdue bill.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane, Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards, David.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached

I LOVE MY JOB

2010-04-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

HELLO.

I can't have a baby, I have a 12:30 lunch meeting

2010-04-20T13:54:00.000-07:00

thanks to Tara and Bill, I have rediscovered Baby Boom.
And had late night cereal almost coming out of my NOSE
during Elizabeth's 'Brighter Baby' classes.

Below are flashcards pertinent to yuppie newborns...
see how many you can get.

Did you get:

Republic of Bulgaria
President Kennedy
Doorknob
BMW
and
WHOOPI GOLDBERG?
well then you are one bright baby.

I am sorry, you get no points for 'Rita Miller.'

But, by the way, how ARE Bobby and Snooki doing?

This dress is called 'The Tiffani'

2010-04-20T13:46:00.001-07:00

Look at that smile.
That POSE.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Looks like someone at ModCloth is an SBTB fan.
I am just saying.
B-ba-b-ba-b-ba-beat,
B-ba-b-ba-b-ba-beat
GO BAYSIDE.

"Do you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?"

2010-04-17T07:02:00.001-07:00

I see your point, Brittany.

I am not a hater, I SWEAR

2010-04-17T06:41:00.000-07:00

BUT

BUTTTTT

The Glee writers need to come up with something other than

'The Glee Club will be shut down unless we...."

enough already.

It's like....for real.

this isn't Three's Company.

Can we STOP pretending that Jack Tripper is gay and

Mr Roper might burst in?

Let's take it to the next level.

thanks.

MARK MY FUCKING WORDS

2010-04-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

I have come to the conclusion

that in roughly 20 years....

THESE two:

are going to be

THESE TWO:

REMEMBER THIS DATE.
TODAY,
I PREDICTED THE FUTURE.

So although LOST lost me

2010-04-14T10:17:00.000-07:00

I overheard in the production office today that the scenes for next week
sampled my all time fav scene EVER:

wow. they may just get me back.
because I am going to rush home to see what
all of the fuss is about!

Although I a season and a half behind...

Glee, in the house of the Lord

2010-04-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

Did anyone else watch the love-fest that was
Glee on Oprah?

Because it was a lot of
'OMG we are on OPRAH'

and

'We have the cast GLEEEEEEEEE!!!!!'
(if you can't hear Oprah's voice in your head right now,
then you need to get it together. Or just press play on that video
and feel the Lord's voice speaking unto thee.)

and then screaming

and then Kurt breaking my heart
basically hinting at highschool
being all GB'ing and taunting
and him being made fun of.

I heart you Kurt.
TV needed your Sassafrass.
And I hope that you use alllll of your new found millions
to order flaming bags of poop for the
all of the assholes you used to go to school with.

other notable and PAINFUL moments:
The Glee kids repeatedly butchering the title of the Parliament classic:
"Give Up the Funk"
Their choreographer making weird noises to count out
the tune of said classic.
A performance of Madonna's Vogue
(complete with French costume ala the VMA's)
by a show choir that I am sorry I was just not that impressed by
(Sort of like real life cheerleading not being as cool as Bring It On)

Am I a dick?
I like when they layer that crappy song with Vogue,
that part was cool.
but, meh.
Don't know.

The Herp Locker

2010-04-13T05:50:00.000-07:00

Like what I imagine is MAAAAANNNNNNY women before me, me and my lady parts
have fallen in love with Dax Shephard.

I don't know why this lady loves a smarmy douche.
but she doesssss.

Oh, hi there.
HI.

The Fly looks good in leather

2010-04-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

Watching my show, even though I JUST got home from work
(and from taxes - thanks Caroline at H&R Block! Thanks for the baller refund!)

So clearly I am recording CI, Glee (!!!!!), and Deadliest Catch.

And since Jason is off somewhere eating jambalaya and drinkin
hand grenades

I am going to come home every night and curl up with my OLD
boyfriends:

The Hansen Bros, the Harris boys, Lynn the deckhand on the Wizard,
Brazilian Wax Head, and my main man Kurt.

I just walked in on the Jane Lyncg 'Vogue' video
and cannot WAIT to watch Glee!!!!!

Non Reality Reality TV

2010-04-11T20:04:00.001-07:00

So I am starting to feel about Parenthood the way I feel about
Brothers and Sisters.

Like it's a Sunday.
In my own home.
or at one of my aunt's.
its kinda creepy at times.
I mean.....TV is supposed to be entertainment.
Not a mirror. shit.

Also...now...do I not understand why TV parents
ground kids for dating because I was fat in highschool
and didn't date?
So my parents only got pissed about
me getting a D in Algebra 2 and a MULTITUDE
of Saturday detentions....
So....dating was only an issue for the
parents of thin girls.
got it.

If you haven't deserted me, please let me esplain myself....

2010-04-11T14:10:00.001-07:00

so what goes on...HMMMM.....

Jason and Owen left on an EPIC adventure yesterday and drove straight through to New Orleans to get their Treme on...all I know about this man-venture is that there are 23 Cracker Barrels between Brooklyn and N.O., an amazing place somewhere in PA called 'LOVE'S' and a Ruth's Chris Steakhouse somewhere in the middle of North Car0lina - but whatever else went on in that 23 hours, I will never know.

So now I am Boyfriend-less and Heart-less and am sitting in my room on a beautiful Sunday afternoon listening to the relaxing voice of the recently departed Captain Phil and re-acquainting myself with this beautiful glowing box I call my TV.

This morning I watched SNL...

'If Asians and Indians can compete with the black people, than it is not a sport'...

then I choked on my omelette.

I finally found out what Justin Beiber looks like. When I realized that I could, in theory, have a kid his age and have it not be all THAT embarassing I got upset.

Project Runway continues to blow my mind with how little it DOESN'T blow my mind.

Satan showed up to judge, so there's that.

Hi, friend. Hey, Cynth - what's shakin these days?

I am EONS behind on Greys Anatomy (yes, I still watch that show) - and think I am going to go crawl into mom's bed and watch it marathon-style. (ask me how much I DON'T CARE about the loss of Katherine Heigl? B-Bye.)

I never made it through the Parenthood pilot, but am told it gets good - so I just settled in for some Primtime on Demand...

I am determined to watch the finale of Big Love, even though the 2nd to last ep was such a snoozefest (save Lois choppin off Hollis's arm) that I am barely interested.

And I think I just may watch my own show....because I have spent half the year returning Jeff Goldblum's cast offs, I may as well see what made it to screen...right? sure.

So, in general - I am sorry I became that girl. I am sorry I got off my couch.
And I am so ashamed to say that yesterday I asked Nikki: 'What is Jersey-licious? I have never heard of that show.' Sometimes I hear the words coming out, and don't even recognize myself. (cheers to casting for finding Snooki: 10 years later, by the way.)

For INSTANCE...I have been missing out on gem's like this???????:

"When you start to work for me as a Glam Fairy, you start at the bottom of the glitter barrel."

I am also trying to find the words to describe Tracey's bubble Rachel mullet...
It's like 1994 on top, with 1986 cascading
out the bottom.
and it just gets bigger
and BIGGER.

and that commercial.
wow.
woooooow.
"I think this is the best commercial I have ever done.'
i have no words.

The Real Deal

2010-03-30T16:29:00.001-07:00

Thank you all for the kind texts and condolences regarding the loss of our dearest Papu.
My wonderful grandfather passed away this past Friday.
He will be missed.

we love you dearly, Papu.

xoxoxo

First off

2010-03-10T18:01:00.000-08:00

...I would like to thank everyone for the kind texts and condolences I received throughout the day regarding the loss of my childhood love, Corey Haim.

It was so kind of you all to think of me.

As I drink wine in tribute, and wait for Jason to stop washing dishes so we can get our Lost Boys on, I am reflecting on some of my most favorite Corey Haim moments (my fav CH softcore porn clip already posted - Blown Away was my earliest exposure to the medium)

Darbie and I had an amazing Corey Haim poster on our door freshman year...and it apparently offended out drug addict neighbor across the hall...who knew.

and then I found this:

I am not alone. There are many of us. It's Rock On.

So Rock On in Heaven Corey. I will remember you thin and blond, and full of coke.

xoxoxo

Nice Duck Indeed

2010-03-10T18:00:00.001-08:00

Here's one for my wallet

2010-03-08T12:59:00.000-08:00

(Hi, Gary)

I WANT to like the new Parenthood
(loosely based on one of the greatest family movies ever made.)

however, it's not even holding my attention --
and I am trapped on an airplane!

I think I also have SUCH an attachment to the original film
that I may have to warm to it.

Like Buffy.

I just feel like....

Dick York, Dick Sargeant.

Sargeant/York...ya know?

I think that is almost gay Nirvana....

2010-03-08T11:57:00.000-08:00

So Chris March, everyone's fav costume designer/drag queen/cackling hyena/Proj alum
designed Meryl's Oscar dress!!!!

I mean, this is as close as you can get to
Cher and Barbara without a gay designer
having an epileptic seizure of excitement
rendering him unable to finish the dress.

fuckin a,
MAJOR congratulations to Chris March.
Eat it, Christian.

In Memoriam : FAIL

2010-03-08T11:49:00.000-08:00

NO Bea Arthur OR Farrah Fawcett.

cold.

So to wrap things up

2010-03-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

'The dude from Hackers, the star of Beer Fest, and the director of Point Break all won Oscars tonight'

-Danny

Intensity in Ten Citites

2010-03-07T21:12:00.000-08:00

Mo'Nique's Q & A is a little intense, Sugah.

100% Pure Adrenaline

2010-03-07T20:58:00.001-08:00

Shiiiiit, Katheryn Bigelow.
Congrats.

rock on with your lady self.

eat it, James Cameron.

The Hurt Locker beats Smurfs/Ferngully/Pocahontas.
take your blue 3-D cartoon and shove it.

AND BY THE FUCKING BY, KATHYRN BIGELOW
DIRECTED FUCKING POINT BREAK.

IT IS ABOUT TIME SOMEONE HONORED
THIS WOMAN.

UN PC Oscar comments

2010-03-07T20:53:00.000-08:00

authors anonymous to save all of us from being labeled ASSHOLES
(like we don't already know we are)

On Babs:

'I love her Jew-ess wig I didn't just say that though'

On the first African American nominated director:

'Well we have a President, so...'

On Starkist Tuna:

'Is it wrong that I kind of want to know what dolphin tastes like?'

On Sandy Bullock:

'You sound like a re-tard. Fuck - did I say that out loud?'

IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE????

2010-03-07T20:49:00.000-08:00

fuck.
this.

molly:
'ok, thank you, just threw up in my soul.'

and

'ok, this is almost like when marisa tomei
won the academy award, except at least people like
marisa tomei'

and like 500 other texts that I couldn't keep up with.

The Sarsgaards voice gives me crotch throbs

2010-03-07T20:43:00.001-08:00

llama me

OPRAH

2010-03-07T20:40:00.001-08:00

OPRAH

OPRAH

OPRAH

SILENCE WHEN GOD IS SPEAKING

(WAIT - WHEN OPRAH MENTIONS MERYL STREEP,
WHAT DOES THAT DO TO THE GAME???
THIS IS MY CLOSING ARGUMENT!!!
THIS IS ALCOHOL POISONING!!!!)

That's just, like, The Academy's opinion man

2010-03-07T20:33:00.000-08:00

Congrats to The Dude.
xoxo

(where are you, raise your hand, man!)

Meghan

2010-03-07T20:17:00.000-08:00

'I am as gay as hell for Ancient Mandarin.'
-Meghan

The Oscars: Art Direction by Home Depot

2010-03-07T20:14:00.000-08:00

What is with the wall of lamps???
and the set that looked like library bookshelves???

MR THE PLAGUE JUST WON AN OSCAR????

2010-03-07T20:05:00.000-08:00

DAN COR-TAY-ZAY?????

2010-03-07T19:59:00.002-08:00

ITS CORTEZ.

ITS MTV SPORTS.

AND TACO BELL ADS.
(burger king?)

WHAT. THE. F.

(i love this place???)

WHERE ARE BRAD AND ANGELINA

2010-03-07T19:59:00.001-08:00

WHAT THE FUCK

live from the octagon

2010-03-07T19:54:00.001-08:00

photos courtesy of my better half

Danny bringin' the Sparks

Me and Morgan gettin our Oscar on

IN MEMORIAM

2010-03-07T19:40:00.001-08:00

JAMES TAYLOR PLAYING THE BEATLES????

RIP FRIENDS

(and YET, they still found a spot for the fucking shark.
I have no asylum.)

Molly is fucking killing me tonight : The dopplegangers edition

2010-03-07T19:30:00.000-08:00

'Elizabeth Banks = Chelsea Lately's
wonky little sister'

Yummy Yummy Yummy, I got SJP in my tummy

2010-03-07T19:28:00.000-08:00

Molly:

'I want some of her challah hair French Toast'

oui. je'taime your hair SJP.

your dress? not so much.

(Mol on T Ford: 'I wish either one of us was straight.')

they always have to start with Jaws, huh???

2010-03-07T19:22:00.000-08:00

I clearly watched the first 10 seconds through my fingers

this tribute rules.

twilight fuckers or not.

and they CLOSED with Jaws too.

I said I was prepared for it.

I wasn't.

i am shaking.

teeth.

big ones.

ALSO

Danny and I are in an argument
regarding Scream and Dark Knight.

Danny may be snowboarding Yoda,
but we have met an impasse on our movie choices.

Sandy Powell, you cunty bitch, I LOVE YOU

2010-03-07T19:12:00.000-08:00

THIS IS THE WOMAN BEHIND INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE
SHE IS MY EVERYTHING

your cunty speech made my world

(either she or Colleen I would have been happy with - ya'll KNOW how I feel about The Atwood)

rock on with your sequin beret, Sandy.
rock. on.

AM I ALONE IN THIS BOYCOTT??????

2010-03-07T19:08:00.000-08:00

PS - My sick friends just said that this cancer guy that just won
is in fact just there via CGI.
sick.

A SALUTE TO HORROR FILMS COMING UP????

2010-03-07T19:03:00.000-08:00

IT'S LIKE THEY KNOW I AM WATCHING!!!!!

please it has to be mo'nique

2010-03-07T18:59:00.000-08:00

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

I JUST jumped off the couch

2010-03-07T18:57:00.000-08:00

15 feet in the air.

i

die

now.

love, love me do.

te quiero mucho.
tan mucho.

mucho mucho.

I mean, I love you Molly

2010-03-07T18:55:00.000-08:00

'Who invited Patch Adams'

Shit, Latifah

2010-03-07T18:53:00.000-08:00

you look damn good, girl

let's all band together behind Latifah:
U-N-I-T-Y

Beauty and the Quince

2010-03-07T18:34:00.000-08:00

I was about to write about Carey and Zoe, BUT

Wait - who is this redhead who just stole this guy's thunder?????

I know I am drunk, but what the HELL just went on??

You are wearing the hawaiian shirt of the short film you worked on???

2010-03-07T18:31:00.001-08:00

Don't be that guy.

RIP John Hughes. B-O-O H-O-O

2010-03-07T18:18:00.000-08:00

(what HAPPENED to you, Oh love of mine? Oh Judd. so so sad....)

you are SO missed.
I heard the tears in Molly Ringwald's voice,
and I hope someone can hear mine.

I am actually misty.

Molly says:

'when did we introduce the depressing retrospectives section.'

And the BEST Prom Shoes go to....

2010-03-07T18:16:00.000-08:00

Amanda Seyfried.

runner up:

mariah.
but she doesn't know any better.

JP says If I saw Up I wouldn't be sad, but...

2010-03-07T18:13:00.001-08:00

I am so, so sad.

Woody gave Alec some drugs

2010-03-07T17:46:00.001-08:00

What's with Alec's Madonna accent????

white men do drugs

2010-03-07T17:41:00.000-08:00

'Woody Harrelson kinda looks like
sketchy "poet" Uncle Rick
(if Woody did more oxycontyn).
It's creeping me out.'
-JP, NOT Molly
I am so drunk I got confused

steve and alec CONCUR.

Are your glasses full?

2010-03-07T17:38:00.000-08:00

because tonight puts the Meryl/Nicholson/Alec drinking game
IN FULL EFFECT

you are the everything

2010-03-07T17:34:00.001-08:00

The Twilight of her miscontent

2010-03-07T17:26:00.000-08:00

molly:

'Taylor Lautner's hair is cut by the Greens man at Augusta's 9th hole'

He did what any good lady would do after a break-up.
Got a haircut and a new tan.

Whoopi? Does The View not pay your enough??

2010-03-07T17:20:00.000-08:00

this is for adult diapers.
say it ain't so, Whoopi.
During the Oscars????
Oh, I am so sorry, Whoopi.

Dress by Charmin, aka: You a big quilted woman, won't you back that ass up

2010-03-07T17:15:00.001-08:00

this shit is QUILTED.
like what those animated Charmin bears wipe their ass with.

Molly:

'You're right JLo, that dress is nearly as practical as a Juicy sweatsuit.'

I myself will not blog knock the Mirren

2010-03-07T17:12:00.000-08:00

But that's why I have Molly:

'Helen Mirren, and..... Captain Kangaroo?'

Attack of the killer highschool tomato

2010-03-07T17:08:00.000-08:00

slow your roll, Effron. Your tanning is about to reach a Snooki level.

She will except the award of best guest comm EVER

2010-03-07T17:03:00.000-08:00

It was an honor JUST to be nominated...

but Molly knows HOW WE DO and she is a WINNER

Molly:

'Ok, I have to get my charger and my bong if we are going to do this right :)'

Welcome my guest commentator, MOLLY

2010-03-07T16:57:00.000-08:00

She is LIVE from Portland, via text. And she. means. BUSINESS.

Molls:

'Can Susan Downey not be dressed up like a thousand
Japanes lines of cokes right next to Rehab Downey Jr!'

temptation is just plain wrong.